I'm up doing homework & wanted to say hi and introduce myself.  I am hopelessly fat but obsessed enough right now to actually be thin again -- thank goodness I found all of you to help me stay focused!!!

I lost a whopping .1 pound.  yippee :(  I think it's okay, though, since I lost a lot of water a couple of days ago - this is probably just equalization.

Soon I'll have full access - I can't wait.  I just need to talk with people who can understand me to some degree.  I am way fatter than any of them, but I think their mindsets will be very similar.  I'm sick of being totally alone.  And Lisa's jokes about my eating are not helping - how dare she tell other people.

My graduation weight is going to be at least 10 pounds heavier than I had hoped.  I could do something like take a ton of laxatives or diuretics, but that wouldn't be real weight, I'd look sick, and I'd know that it was all fake -- what's the point????  I'll try to amp up my exercises and not drop my calories any more in hopes of maximizing my weight loss. 

Oh yeah, and in 2 weeks from tomorrow I have to go to Bruce's award ceremony.  There is no way I'll be anything but a fat pig for that.  I know I'm an embarassment to him - he tries to pretend I'm fine, but I just have to go back to our first date:  how many times did he use the term "fat cow" to describe women?  Many.  Now I fit the description.  I'm sure he feels stuck with a Beluga by now. 

Today so far:  1 Turkey Sausage link (40 cals) and 1 cheese stick (60 cals)  I'm getting so sick of turkey bologna and turkey hot dogs.  The calories are great, but I hate the taste now.  I'll have to come up with something else.

later.

Well, I really wasn't hungry much today.  That's good - I guess my stomach has shrunken some.  It's more about WANTING food now than needing or even craving it.  It's hardest to be strong at home.  Too many decisions and too much boredom.  

I only lost like 1/2 a pound since yesterday, but I think I lost most of it today.  I need to add a laxative once a week so I don't run into this again.  

I have so far to go - it's really hard to avoid giving in to the feeling of futility.  I have to find a way to be strong.  A habit is made in 21 days.  I need to be super-vigilant at least until then!!!

I even avoided free breakfast and lunch -- ORAPAX!!!!  I ate only plain salad.  Yea!!!

I need to make my 5 pound rewards - I think that will be helpful.  I should go start that now.

Well, I've lost 3 pounds thus far.  Seems like nothing since I have sooooo far to go, but 3 pounds in 2 days of dieting isn't too bad.  My problem seems to be the evening. I eat my planned dinner & make meals for everyone else, then I pick at theirs to taste it.. I am really weak here.  I need to be stronger.  Perhaps I should wait to eat until after they have.  I run the risk of eating later than 7pm, but I think that's better than adding calories.

I've been right around 800 each day.  Today over by a few.  Especially if you count the sf gum.  No exercise at all, but I need to be thinner to do anything serious w/o giving myself a heart attack, seriously.

Tomorrow could be tough - food provided at school.  Breakfast and lunch, both from nice places.  Eeeeek.  I will just have to be well planned and avoid the food.  NONE of it.  One bite will lead to a quick downhill slide.  So none, no matter how good it looks - except for dressing-free lettuce.

I did avoid the rolos that were passed around today TWICE.  I was the only abstainer - made me feel good.

Here we go!!!!

This was day one - my descent into hell will also be my only path to deliverance.  I can't stay this huge anymore.  I can't even walk up an f"ing flight of stairs without feeling like I am having a heart attack.  I can't raise kids this way.  I can't be with my husband like this.  I am a fat cow and the only way out is to go back to what I know.  Regular dieting can't work for me.  I'm a weakling.  People think anorexia is controlled, but it's soooo not.  It's about eating so little that I don't want more. I have to be so focused on the regimen that I forget to see the hunger and want.  I have to refuse EVERY guilty pleasure, or there will be no stopping the disasterous roll downhill that invariably follows the first forbidden bite.
No, I don't want to do this to my kids.  Where I am headed is self-centered, obsessive, and food/weight absorbed.  I just have to try like hell to stop before I forget that they come first.  This will be hard, but if I don't do this now, I will certainly hit 200 pounds before long.  I never thought I would be here.  I judged my mother and sister.  I did not foresee me getting to this point, but I am oh so close to the point of no return.  I just need so badly to get back to 2 digits.  There I am safe.  Safe from food, safe from the world, and safe from myself.  My biggest problem is that I lack stamina.
When I read about the people who have lost 100+ pounds in People, I can't imagine me going the distance like they have.  They have done it right.  Slowly, steadily, with patience.  I intend to cheat.  Buck the system.  Get something for nothing.  I remember the secret - the secret is that anorexia happens to me because that is THE ONLY way that I can have control.  I could not stick to Weight Watchers.  Never.  I have to see fast results.  I have to feel like shit to know I'm making progress.  I have to feel pain and deprivation to remind myself that I can do this.  Really neurotic, I know.   But that is who I am.  No getting around it.  Day 2, here I come!